(Just with more cows, more fog, and a higher likelihood of being attacked by a seagull)

Everyone wants a beachside holiday, right? Sun. Sand. Sea. A gentle breeze as you sip something chilled, ideally with a slice of lime and a vague feeling of superiority.

But before you start panic-buying plug adapters and wrestling with passport renewal forms, consider this: why fly thousands of miles when you could just… pop to Jersey?

That’s right. The Tenerife of the UK.

Travel Made (Almost) Easy

No passport panic. No Heathrow meltdowns. No being seated next to a stag party who brought a speaker and absolutely no shame.

Just pray there’s no fog. Or strong winds. Because that plane might not land. Or take off.

But hey — that’s part of the adventure, right?

Getting Around the Island

Jersey’s only 9 by 5 miles – so naturally, it’ll take you at least 45 minutes to get anywhere.

Why?

  • Roadworks – hundreds of them at every corner
  • Max speed limit of 40mph (but more likely to be 20mph in the majority of the island)
  • Country lanes with more blind corners than a hedge maze

Bikes are a great way to explore – if you’re part mountain goat. Jersey has hills. So. Many. Hills. You’ll get quads of steel, a deep sense of achievement, and potentially a minor breakdown halfway up Trinity Hill.

The Beaches

Yes, we’ve got stunning beaches all over the island – and not just pebbles either. We’re talking golden sand, crashing waves, and scenery straight out of a glossy travel brochure. It all looks like paradise – until the wind suddenly changes direction, rain appears out of nowhere, and you realise you’ve just lugged half your body weight down 100+ steps to get to Beauport, Plemont or Portelet – only to spend the rest of your day dreading the climb all the way back up.

The water? Crystal blue but cold as ice. Take a swim but be prepared to convince yourself and others that ‘It’s Alright Once You’re In’.

And as for the seagulls – they’re not just opportunistic, they’re organised. Predators in feathers. Guard your lunch, your ice cream, they take no prisoners.

Food & Drink

Jersey’s cuisine scene is top-tier. From Michelin stars to local seafood joints, you’ll eat extremely well – as long as it’s not Monday.

Monday is like the unofficial day of rest here. Most places are shut. Tuesday through Sunday? You can enjoy some of the finest, freshest seafood, cuisines from all over the world and restaurants with some of the most enviable views in the world. But. make sure you arrive during precisely dictated serving times. Miss the 12:00–14:00 lunch window? That’s not lunch, that’s your problem.

Nightlife (Sort Of)
We know a buzzing nightlife is high on the holiday wish list for many. Dancing until 3am, rooftop DJs, neon lights…

Jersey does offer some genuinely lovely bars – from cosy pubs to stylish cocktail spots (where the drinks cost roughly the same as your weekly food shop). There’s even the occasional live music night or themed event if you know where to look.

But if your idea of a good time involves clubs that go till sunrise and kebabs at 4am… you might be better off hosting your own party at your Airbnb. Most places here start winding down after dessert!

On the plus side, your hangover will be accompanied by sea views and fresh croissants – so it’s not all bad.

Tourist attractions

Things to actually do (yes, we have some):

  • The Zoo makes for a fun day out – just don’t expect elephants, giraffes or any of the more stereotypically exotic safari stars. Instead, you’ll find a surprisingly impressive selection of bird enclosures, some low-flying bats, and the real headliners: gorillas and orangutans, who never fail to deliver on the entertainment front.
  • Surfing (ideal if you like cold water and repeatedly falling over in public)
  • Coastal walks with genuinely breathtaking scenery
  • Wildlife spotting (and we don’t just mean the locals in the Royal Square on a Friday night)
  • And shopping in town! Just… manage expectations. If you’re picturing Oxford Street, think again – it’s more like a quite high street and a decent chance of bumping into your dentist.

So why go abroad when you could have all this?

  • A mild tan (weather-permitting).
  • The thrill of coming face-to-face with a tractor down a tiny lane in the middle of nowhere
  • Gourmet food at extremely specific times
  • World-class beaches – as long as you’re happy to risk a territorial standoff with a seagull over your picnic
  • Endless hills – ideal if you’ve ever wanted a cycling holiday and a leg day rolled into one
  • Nightlife that wraps up just in time to be in bed by 10 (if you’re lucky – maybe 11)

Jersey: come for the beaches, stay because the fog’s rolled in and your flight’s delayed.